Don't Think I Don't Think About It
I was cutting through the Taylor building to get information and buy something for class, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw the familiar brown hoodie. The same one I used to wear like it was trophy. The one I used to fall asleep in because it smelled like him.
He was standing off to the side, talking and smiling with a group of people I didn't recognize. A million thoughts crashed through my mind in a millisecond. Did he see me? What did he think of my new bangs? Did he miss me? What classes were he taking this semester? More importantly, did he think about me at all?
But almost as soon as my eyes registered it was him, they bounced away and I stared steadfastly forward, quickening my stride. It felt like I was holding my breath until I out of sight.
I cannot aptly describe the feelings that hit me. A blender of fear, hurt, and trepidation would sum it up best. Mix in a tsunami tide of old emotions, and I couldn't get out of that building fast enough.
A few minutes later though, I was angry at myself. Why was I letting a boy from my past scare me out of buildings? I wasn't going to hide out and skip getting what I needed just because of his presence! So I went back in there and did what I had intended to do in the first place.
He wasn't there anymore, thank goodness.
It was hard, trying not to see him but at the same time looking for him.
Oh girls, I have a ways to go, don't I?
I haven't talked about P much on here since the last time, but he's still very much present in my life and in my heart. I knew that when I saw him again I would be able to tell if I was over him or not. I hadn't seen him since our last get together over coffee where we exchanged Christmas gifts and said goodbye. That was about a month ago, and I've felt like I've been getting better each day. The memories have faded a bit and I've let them collect dust - I'm too scared to think about our past too much, because then I know I'd never move on. But when I saw him today...well, it told me what stage I'm at.
I'm not completely over him yet.
But I'm getting there. I'm still happy about where I am in life. I'm excited for this semester. I'm eager to meet new people and form new friendships. I'm looking forward to the next chapter in my life.
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.